Jack Bauer Jokes for your reading pleasure

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>If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

>Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

>If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

>Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

>Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

>Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

>Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

>1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

>If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re f*cked.

>Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

>Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

>If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

>When you open a can of whoop-Bottom, Jack Bauer jumps out.

>Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

>If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

>Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

>Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack bleeping Bauer.

>As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”


>While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

>Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

>Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

>Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

>Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

>Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

>If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

>When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer bleeping hates lemonade.

>Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

>David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

>Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would he would do for a Klondike bar...